She Runs A Good Race

mothering is a marathon

When Tears Are More Than Tears

on May 3, 2013

Just as laughter can be rich-belly-laughter, so can tears come in a way that you know they are from deep within one’s soul.

Kate had those kind of tears a few mornings ago.  And I had to pull the minivan off the road just to hug her and hold her.

We were on our way to drop Luke off at middle school.  Which is always a feat to get the three of them out the door that early.

Not more than a minute in, Ryan started to annoy Kate.  (But of course, what else are car rides with kids for?) And she told him to stop.  He liked the rise he was getting out of her, especially as her pitch rose and her passion ensued.  He was smiling (I could feel it) and relishing in his pestering of her.

And then she broke.  She started crying and yelling at him to stop. And it was primal and guttural.

Not the whiny-crying.

Not the manipulating-crying.

Not the baby-in-the-family-type-of-crying.

It was grief.

It was hurt.

It was disappointment.

It was anger.

It was sadness.

It came from a deep place, and she could no longer squash it and just be the sweet, motherly sister who cares dearly and is so uber protective of her older-and-younger-brother, Ryan.

All about Ryan, and having “special needs” that she wished he didn’t have.  And wished nobody knew about.

I pulled over to the side of Grayslake Road.  I did not care one bit if we were running late.  Kate needed me.  She NEEDED a hug.  She needed everything to just stop, for one bless-ed moment, so she could be comforted.  By me.

I slid open the van door and just swooped around her little body.  I held her tight.  And I held in MY TEARS so tightly.

She then whispered as our heads were so close to each other, “I love you, Mom, I love you.”  As if to say, “thank you for validating my tears, and EVERY SINGLE THING I am feeling right now.”

It was a morning that started out like every rushed, hectic before-school chaotic morning.  Unremarkable.  The usual.

But that moment with Kate, I will never forget.

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13 responses to “When Tears Are More Than Tears

  1. Debby says:

    You are such a great mom and inspiration, Jessica. Keep up the good work (mothering and writing)!

  2. Jan says:

    Really she is and will continue to learn from him from you. She will be so understanding though her life. She will get it more as she gets older. And your continued love support and compassion will assist her. Your great!

  3. adexoxox says:

    Friend, thanks for sharing this…such a difficult and precious and heartfelt moment for you girls. I love how “I love you, mom” conveyed so much more and you two both knew just exactly what that was…love you, friend! xoxox

  4. Liz says:

    Jess. Beautiful as always. My heart breaks for BOTH our “special” kids and their siblings. Neither has an easy road xo Liz

    • Liz, i know you KNOW and you GET IT.
      Prayers to you as you journey. Glad I have other “special moms” to do this with!

      • Liz says:

        Jess. I’m so drawn to this article… I’ve read it many times already. Looking forward to summer and being able to get together with you guys at the beach… Life is such a crazy twisting journey – I’m blessed that I have good friends like you to help me hold on… XO

  5. Suzie Lind says:

    The merciful, gracious and knowing hand of God to you and through you to your child. Love this.

  6. Sandra says:

    My husband is wondering why I am sobing on the computer and laughing at me. This really touched my heart! You are such an inspiration to us moms. Kate is going to be one remarkable little girl through this journey.

  7. Dana says:

    You’re such a wonderful mom, Jess! Samantha has many of the same frustrations with her brother. No amount of reasoning takes the place of a parent’s hug to let your child know you love them and you understand. I’ve always wanted to form a special “therapy” group just for the siblings of special needs children. I think they need some sort of forum to talk and to know they’re not alone. Anyone interested??

    God bless, Jess!!
    xoxo Dana

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